Fangs for the Memories
by superstarultra
Summary: Let's face it, people. I was bound to do this for this fandom anyway. This is in fact a horror story actually. ....And I use the term 'horror' loosely here. Crack.


**Disclaimer: I do not own The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya or any of its characters. I also do not own any of the materials referenced in this story either. This was made for entertainment purposes only and not for profit. So there you go.**

**A/N: Well, you see, my friends, I have been writing a horror fic collection as of late called "A Closed, Dead Space". Pretty much been putting all my Haruhi-related horror fics in there. But when I was jotting down some ideas for horror, one of them featured the following idea:**

**Tsuruya as a vampire.**

**Not a run-of-the-mill vampire, mind you, but the plot in question made Tsuruya as a human girl by day, and a feral, snarling, giant-sized vampire bat monster by night that roamed a dungeon-like area under her parents' estate. There, she would be fed a steady supply of homeless people and runaways that her employers would have 'collected' off the streets. And then Haruhi or Kyon would have found out and Tsuruya would try to eat them and....**

**You can see why I tossed this one aside.**

**But as I thought about vampires and Haruhi a bit more (as well the recent New Moon craze), I came up with this. Sure, there's probably something like this on the web somewhere....**

**But I think mine is better. :P**

**Enjoy! **

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Kyon lay asleep in his medium-sized bed. Or at least, he was trying to. The pale moonlight slithered through the narrow shafts in his blinds, casting an eerie sheen over his blanket. He had a rough week full of danger and high-school romance, but it was all starting to bore him. Sure, Haruhi was God and everything, but she was starting to become_ so_ predictable as of late.

He needed something to spice up his already-exciting life.

"What a boring life," Kyon absentmindedly mumbled to himself in his state of half-sleep.

A sudden tapping at his window shook him out of his condition of whiny, selfish angst. Getting up, Kyon stalked over to the single window in his room and looked out. Tsuruya stood outside on his ledge, waving at him.

Intrigued, Kyon opened it up, allowing his sempai inside. "Tsuruya? What are you doing here? Especially at this hour?"

"Ah! Thanks for lettin' me in, Kyon! I've come bearing some megas awesome news with me!" Tsuruya said excitedly.

"Oh? What?"

"I'm a vampire, nyoro!"

Silence reared its ugly head and went to brew a pot of coffee on the spot.

"A.......... vampire? Really?" Kyon inquired, tilting his head to the side.

"Yup! A vampire! See?" The bouncy ball of green energy pointed to the inside of her mouth at the other spot of her upper-gums, opposite of her fang. The normal tooth inside popped out into her open palm as an identical incisor slid downward. Tsurya clacked her jaws together and grinned happily.

"Wow. Never expected that," Kyon said, not really showing the amount of surprise one would expect from a guy who's just seen a creature out of gothic horror. It was wasn't really helping that Tsuruya's forehead was shining like a glitter-covered lighthouse in the moonlight.

"Uh-huh. There's lots of us out there in the world, Kyon! Haruhi's power is the key to our survival! But there's a buncha other vampires who wanna use her power to cause some megassa trouble! And only you can help me!" Tsuruya cried, gesticulating wildly.

"Really?"

"Yup! And we're having a turf war with the werewolves. But that won't be important until we hits a big plot-point or something. Anyways, ya gotta comes with me! I'll fly us to our secret vampire headquarters using my FANG POWER!!! ....So what do ya say? You'll probably have to cuts off your contact with all your friends and family for an undetermined amount of time~!"

Kyon placed a hand in his chin and stared ahead at a particularly interesting piece of lint on Tsuruya's chest as he thought about what to do. This was certainly an interesting development of things.

After much deliberation, and a fart or two, Kyon nodded his head. "Well, now that I think about it, I _do _have two neglectful parents who I haven't seen for an entire school year. And I don't even know the name of my sister, who mocks me constantly by refusing to call me by my actual name. That, and hanging out with a bitchy, despondent teenage goddess, a creepy, emo alien, a teasing time-traveler slut, a flamboyant, gay esper, and various, manipulative, jerk-ass factions of theirs tends to get me wishing for a new life more often. Why not?"

"Awesome!" Tsuruya exclaimed, clasping her hands together joyously.

Kyon smiled.

And then the two of them just sort of stared awkwardly at each other in the darkness for a few minutes. Kyon looked from side to side, while Tsuruya raised her left hand to her face and coughed into it.

"So............." Tsuruya placed both her hands on her shapely hips, giving the bedroom a wide glance, before handing Kyon a toothy grin. "Wanna have some super-hot-vampire-smoked-cheese-sex right now, nyoro?"

Kyon blinked in confusion a few times, before he smiled widely in return. "I wouldn't have it any other way, my sparkling beauty. Just one last thing, though."

"What?"

"I thought you guys could only sparkle in the sunlight?"

"Oh, Kyon...... Everyone knows that's a big buncha crap!"

"Oh, yeah. What do you know? ....Oh, well."

Shortly after that very night, both Kyon and Tsuruya experienced a whole new kind of _sucking_......

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**A/N: Mwa ha ha, I really enjoyed doing this little piece. XD **

**Review this fic, my friends!**

**Or else, I will send Tsuruya to your house to eat you. **

**......Oh, wait. That's a GOOD thing to some of you. Damn. Review anyway! **


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